Dancing With My Demons

I’m currently sitting at the edge of my bathtub, with my feet soaking in the hot water, listening to Linkin Park’s One More Light. My heart and soul completely destroyed.

Today was a hard day.

No one truly knows the inner battle that’s going strong right now inside of me.

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“I’m dancing with my demons. I’m hanging off the edge.” – Linkin Park

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Half of you will read this and move along without a second thought.

And that’s not okay.

Shame on you.

A handful of you will attempt to put forth some level of understanding and empathy.

At least you tried.

Gold star for you.

 And just maybe, one or two of you will genuinely care about my scars.

All I want right now is someone to care. Like really care. Not the fake kind of caring. You know the passive, “it’s okay, you’re so strong. You’ll get through this. Keep your head up.” I need the “yes, everything is bullshit. What happened to you is bullshit and fucked up.”

Today, I have been a horrible mother, wife, friend, and daughter. In a single day, I let down so many people with my words and inaction. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. And right now, I can say, I hate myself.  At the same time, this behavior is not typical for me. This isn’t me and I understand that too.

Today, I turned into someone else. And no matter how much I yelled or screamed or how many excuses I made, it made me realize that I was just talking to myself. No one took the time to ask me if I was okay or tried to figure out what was really going on. I received passive responses, or I was belittled, or I was harassed.

But there was not one instance where someone thought to themselves, “hey, this isn’t her” and just asked me what was wrong.

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“I’ve been searching for an answer, that’s just out of reach.”

– Linkin Park

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I’m hurting a lot right now.  My heart aches and I’m trying to re-glue the pieces of my soul back together before my next breakdown. When you go through the kind of abuse and trauma that I’ve been through, it doesn’t just go away. It never goes away. No matter how much professional help you get, there are just somedays where those memories are just too heavy of a burden to carry by yourself.

Hear me again.

 It doesn’t ever go away.

Ever.

Never.

Ever.

Tomorrow, the pieces will be back together… Everyone will still be angry with me, but…

At least I have tomorrow and that’s more than most.

-Brown Eyed Princess

3 thoughts on “Dancing With My Demons

Add yours

  1. I feel your pain hun, someday are too tough. I cling to the memory of when life was easy, when I laughed and loved. Repeating over and over, those days will come back.
    I have complicated PTSD. I understand what that ledge looks like. Lots of love 💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

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