I have always wanted a best friend. The kind that all the TV sitcoms and movies portrayed. You know, the ones that are best friends for life, like since birth? As I have gotten older, I realized that was unrealistic. However, every time I gained a new friend I jumped too fast. I was always subconciously looking for a best friend and that created a problem for me. I’m the type of person that tends to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. In these situations I would “wear my heart on my sleeve”, and take everyone at face value…expecting the best. In college, this got me in trouble not once, but twice. On two seperate occasions as if I didn’t learn my lesson the first time, I moved in with my new friend right away. It was almost like a honeymoon stage of being in a romantic relationship. We moved in before even getting to really know each other and then we did EVERYTHING together.
Turns out I also had the tendency, before I went on this journey of self improvement and healing from my past, to choose unhealthy people.
However, since going on this journey, after discontinuing the search and since relinquishing all theories and images of what a best friend was supposed to look like, I found one. Oddly enough, It wasn’t even until the idea for this letter, that it hit me. I HAVE A BEST FRIEND. Now, she may not look at me the same or she may, but either way it’s okay, because that’s what she is to me.
We haven’t even known each other a whole year yet, but I know. I know she’s my “go to”, my “ride or die” if you will. She has my back and I have hers. She is not anything I used to believe a best friend should be, she’s even better. She’s exactly what a best friend should be…
She has no judgement
She’s a support system
She’s loving & kind
She’s genuine & authentic
She pushes me to be better
She inspires me to do better
She checks on me
She keeps me in check
She tells me when I’m wrong
She helps & guides me
She shares with me
She’s my BEST FRIEND
Saying that has a nice ring to it. One I never want to go away.
Recently, my best friend did a very selfless thing and for that I would like to thank her, publicly.
As I grew up with a narcissistic, controlling and terror of a step father, when I made the decision to cut ties and leave forever, I left behind three precious, innocent people. My half siblings. He banished them from having any communications with me and even went as far as to legally keep them from me until they turned 18. Now, my brother well over the age of 18 never reached out and is still in his control….which I don’t blame because I did the same thing. I too was fooled into thinking that I was no adult at 18 and he still had the control and power over me. I didn’t realize it until I left at 20 years old. However, my sisters were a lot younger when I left.
The oldest of the two is on the verge of her 18th birthday and has already tried reaching out. I am grateful that she is ready to leave the abusive situation and I am grateful that she is trying to restart a relationship with me.
The past few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. At the thought of her birthday approaching, I was quick to offer my home to her in celebration. However, soon after, the anxiety consumed me. The thoughts, the questions;
“do I want to chance my anonymity?”
“will he find out?”
“can I really trust her?”
“will she give him information out of fear?”
“will he find me again?”
“will I go back to looking over my shoulder…to hiding?”
“is my safety at risk?”
The list went on and on. I confided in my best friend. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to take my offer back because deep down I knew how much it meant to her. I knew how much it would have meant to me at 18, still stuck in his control. I used to wish for someone to offer me what i’m offering her….was it worth it?
Days later, my best friend, gave me a gift. Gave me the gift of anonymity. Gave me the gift of celebrating her without disclosing my home. A gift that I can’t even express how much it means to me. The gift has already begun giving 10 fold. It’s already fostered countless conversations…dreams. We have been planning and dreaming together the entire upcoming weekend. It has’t even happened yet and I have prospered so much from it. I have gained something so priceless, in so little time. It has not just been a gift of anonymity, a gift of monetary value, a gift of love, a gift from kindness, It’s been a gift of helping get my sister back! A precious, precious gift that I will cherish and be eternally grateful for.
Thank you best friend, for everything. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for your compassion and your love. Thank you for your golden heart. Thank you for pushing me to be who I’m meant to be. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for being YOU.
Beautiful things CAN grow from the darkness.
-Blue Eyed Princess