Living with Anxiety
I have anxiety. Sometimes it is really bad and sometimes it is mild. Over time I’ve been learning how to deal with it. Not control it, but live with it. Will it ever go away? I’m not sure. Probably not. Like many emotions and feelings, I think it’s just part of being a human being. I think it’s designed to be a defense mechanism, a tool, but for a lot of us, I know it can be a way of life.
For a long time my anxiety has held me captive. Not the kind that gives you a headache or makes you shake from fear. Not the immediate kind, but the chronic kind. The kind that’s always there…lingering…lurking. I’ve learned you can’t really get rid of it. No matter how hard you try to stuff it away, it comes back…uglier and worse than before. You have to stop trying to get rid of it. You have to just let it be. Acknowledge that its there, say “Hi” to it every once in a while, but never, NEVER give it the power to win. Never let it take completely over.
Now, I’m not anyone to be telling someone how to live, what to do, or how to overcome anxiety, but i can tell you my experience with it. I have had the whole spectrum, when it comes to anxiety. I have had the kind that takes over and turns to flight or fight in times when I thought my mother was going to be killed before my eyes and I’ve had the kind right before a presentation in front of those at my company. Either one sucks. Plain and simple, just SUCKS.
I’ve gotten a good handle on the immediate kind, the kind I have right before the work presentations, but I have been striving so hard to be able to handle the chronic kind. The kind thats always there. The kind that doesn’t let me do things that I WANT to do, that I ENJOY doing! I’m really good at figuring out my own flaws, my own triggers and my own unhealthy habits, but for some reason this anxiety blocking me from doing the things I l LOVE , has baffled me.
BUT, today, I finally grabbed that anxiety by the tail. I probably didn’t reel it all the way in and I’m okay with that, but I caught a glimpse. A glimpse of it’s weakness and that was enough.
Today, I did everything for me. I was selfish and I’m proud. I did all the things I’ve been wanting to do. No matter how small they may seem, they were the big fish for me. not once today did I watch the clock and worry about all things I had to get ready for, for Monday. Not once did I think “I need to relax” (and when I say relax, that means watching an insane amount of Netflix ALL day long which, don’t get me wrong, I am a fan, but not to the point of consumption of all my free time) or “I need to clean”. All day today I thought “what else do I want to do”.
If you’re struggling with the same thing, where just doing the things you love feels like work or a job, I hope you know IT IS OK and I hope you can find the time for yourself as I did today.
Self love is important
Self lobe is everything
-Blue Eyed Princess